The art of being successfully unsuccessful.

Have I confused you already? I hope not. What is success? Most would say that being successful is… That’s where my thoughts stop. I have to admit that I don’t really know what it means to be successful in the eyes of the world. Most of the world, I dare say, doesn’t even know that I’m in it and will most likely never know I tramped my way through this fascinating orb we live on.

There are a few people who became a part of my life and I theirs. My beginning wasn’t very positive and the possibility of my even making an entrance into the world was iffy.

But as you see, I did make it. I made it only because of the grace of God. He evidently wanted me here. My father on the other hand—did not. I did not find out this fact until I had navigated thirty-six years of hating everything about myself. Living with a death wish that I had no idea why or where it came from.

In a few words, upon hearing that my mother was pregnant with their second child, my father offered a solution to the problem, an abortion. Now, mind you, this was 1948. My mother was obviously a young married lady so why would be getting an abortion even be suggested? I’m sure there were many secret abortions conducted back then. There were many things back then in families that were never talked about publicly. Most relational issues were confined within the walls of your own house in the neighborhood. It wasn’t like it is today. It seems the world has turned private things upside down. Now there seem to be no privacy issues.

But, let me continue. Consequently, for the first third of my life, I considered the fact that I got out of bed and lived for twenty-four hours a real success. Every waking hour was spent wondering when the proverbial shoe would fall, and I would no longer be here. Let me tell you, it’s not a good way to live. In short, an attempt was made and I failed. This only heightened my internal conversation about what a terrible mistake God made in believing that I needed to be in His world. After all, my father didn’t think so and when he spoke those fatal words to my dear young mother, they went all the way down into the growing embryo from which God fashioned me. This dark thread got woven into my DNA that day and came to the forefront of my life.

One of the constant struggles was seeing my life as useless. I was a world watcher. Every day I watched other people seemingly being quite successful at this thing called—living. I wondered how they did it. People made plans for their future. They talked about vacations they would take. Purchases they were planning to make. Families they were going to raise. On and on I listened, wondering how do people do this?

As I watched, years rolled by. I began to realize that whether or not I wanted to see another day, I was seeing them. I had successfully lived thirty-six years. In my eyes, I had managed to be successfully unsuccessful.

It wasn’t that I had worked at not being successful. On the contrary, I had worked hard on many things trying to find that for which I was created. Selling various home business potions, soaps, and healthy green drinks. I tried it all. The only thing I was successful in doing was depleting my already much limited financial livelihood on kits that held promise only for the people who sold them to me. It took me slogging through more no-show home parties to realize that I was not cut out for being an entrepreneur.

I finally had to face the fact that the world dangles a very different convincing picture of what success means. If you look a certain way. Dress a certain way. Have multiple followers and likes. And of course, be in demand for whatever it is you do. If none of these tags fit, then you fall outside of the realm of being successful.

I dare say, I think this is the majority of the world. Given that there are approximately 7.9 billion people in the world I’d venture to say that the majority are obscure individuals known only to the small space they hold on this earth. Does that make them unsuccessful? In the eyes of the world, definitely.

But the world stage doesn’t have the final say about a person’s success rate. Honestly, I have been successful at being unsuccessful. My footprint is very small. But I do have one. You have one, howbeit ever so small.

When God entered my life at twenty-one years of age, it took him another fifteen years to show me that He considered me one of His successes.

You see, while my father’s words had wound their way down into my, still, under construction form, God was busy knitting me together. That’s an incredible thing to think about. But we have to approach it scripturally.

Psalm 139:13-16 For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb. 14. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

16 Thine eyes did see my substance yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them. 17 How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!

Think with me for a minute, that while the world was whirling around and people rushing and bustling about, God was involved with knitting you together in your mother’s womb. He had a design that was—you. Every cell, every chromosome, right down to how many inches there would be between your footsteps.

No one tells us about this. No one whispers this in our baby ears—Psalm 139. And very few of us are encouraged throughout our lives about just how marvelous a workmanship we are. Quite the contrary.

I’ve come back to this scripture today. It was the very truth spoken to me that caused the chains to fall away and I was set free of all the years I struggled to live.

When my mother finally shared with me what my father had suggested she do to rid himself of another child, the word I used to describe him was, cruel. How cruel that was of him to ask my mother to have an abortion. So, as I sat on the edge of my bed holding my Bible in my hands crying out to God to show me the truth of what had plagued me all my life, this was the scripture He took me to.

71 In thee, O Lord, do I put my trust: let me never be put to confusion. 2 Deliver me in thy righteousness and cause me to escape: incline thine ear unto me and save me. 3 Be thou my strong habitation, whereunto I may continually resort: thou hast given commandment to save me; for thou art my rock and my fortress. 4 Deliver me, O my God, out of the hand of the wicked, out of the hand of the unrighteous and cruel man. 5 For thou art my hope, O Lord God: thou art my trust from my youth. 6 By thee have I been holden up from the womb: thou art he that took me out of my mother's bowels: my praise shall be continually of thee. 7 I am as a wonder unto many, but thou art my strong refuge.

When someone talks about hearing God’s voice or having an ongoing personal relationship with God through the indwelling Holy Spirit, it can sound unworldly. They would be right.

I was born into this world in a bodily form with my soul being what I used to navigate with. But tucked inside of all of us, laying dormant until sparked to life is our spirit. We are soul and spirit. We start out soulish without the possibility of ever making it out of this world alive. But then when the miraculous New Birth happens, everything changes.

No one can experience this for us. I’ll sum this up in this way. While I was yet seen by any eye in this world, God saw me. He was the first to witness my being. While all the world was busy living life, God was creating my life safely tucked within my mother. The world didn’t know I was coming. My father wasn’t happy about knowing I was coming, and my dear mother was determined to see that I did.

You might not need this posting today. In fact, it might just be another of my successful unsuccessful contributions to the internet. No one but me might read it and that’s okay. Because I have the right and privilege to send this out into the world, whether read or not, to exclaim the fact that God wanted me in His world. I might be very successful in being unsuccessful by the world’s standards, but not by God’s.

I sometimes still struggle with believing that when God looks at me and the Holy Spirit whispers in my adult ear how wonderful and marvelously made, I am, it supersedes all other voices.

In closing, if you are like me and feel that the only thing you have been successful at is being unsuccessful, then take heart dear one. You are God’s success. That’s how He sees you. A completely successful process that He brought to completion the day you were born.

You can claim these scriptures as your own too.

The very first thing you did successfully was to enter this world with God’s stamp of approval on you. You can’t get any more successful than that. No matter what your accomplishments or lack thereof, you are a success.

I bless you, please come back.

 

 

 Sometimes God has to knock us off our Donkey

 You might be thinking, “But, I don’t have a donkey.”

I don’t either. Saul did and one day very unexpectedly, God knocked him off, and instantly he said, “Who art thou, Lord? And the Lord said, I am Jesus whom thou persecutest: it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks.” KJV

I find it interesting that Saul knew instantly who it was that interrupted his day. Do you? Do I? I think so. I call it being put in my bayonet room. Let me explain. It feels as though the door has opened to a small confining room with bayonets sticking out from the walls in all directions. There’s only enough space for me to stand in this room until I get still.

The more I struggle to get free the more I feel the pricking frustration. I’ve learned that this is a place in my spirit where God has taught me many lessons. I know instantly when I hear the door open what is coming.

Sometimes I have to stand there and cry out in my anger and frustration. I don’t want to stop and be still! As crazy as it sounds, even to me, I don’t want to do anything but keep hitting my head against whatever problem I’m experiencing on my own.

That’s usually the first thing, once I get quiet, that I come to understand about being back in this room. I’ve gotten on my high-donkey and ridden off without letting the Lord lead me. Not taking time to pray or if I did it was filled with my wants and my ideas. And, yes, I don’t know about you, but I am a professional at giving God suggestions as to how to work out my problems.

The not so funny thing is that so often God never listens to me and hardly ever takes my advice. To which, in the end, I’m glad that He didn’t do what I asked in the way that I asked it.

I’m not in the bayonet room right now, but I am in a waiting room. It’s where I step into and find a seat once I quit throwing my tantrum in the bayonet room.

It’s sort of a blessing. To be able to finally know that all God wanted to do was get my attention to show me what it is He has planned for me. Which is all He ever wanted to do in the first place.

Going back to Saul/Paul’s life for a minute, let’s think about why God knocked him off his donkey that day and not long before. I think it was because Paul needed to take a good long, hard look at the man he was and the man he became. We all need to do that.

I don’t know why I ever end up back in this spiritual room when I already have so much to look back at in my life. It would take endless hours to write it all here. God has done things in my life that I know that I know there is no way I changed other than He changed me.

Day by day, experience by experience, healing by healing in my mind and emotions. So why DO I ever end up back in that room? Because I get looking at the wrong thing. I want a solution to whatever I’m facing. I want to take matters into my own hands and before I know it, frustration, anger, and hurt start weighing me down. I know better but don’t always DO better.

I don’t think I’m alone in this conduct. Paul was there also when he wrote, Romans 7:15 I do not understand what I do; for I don't do what I would like to do, but instead I do what I hate. Good News Translation

The only thing I differ in opinion about is, I do understand my drifting from what I know I should do. I don’t just have to but NEED to stay close to the Lord. Every minute of every day I NEED to be led by the Holy Spirit. I’ve learned, or you’d think I’d learned, that I can’t afford to go off on my own thought life.

We are told to search the scriptures for therein lay all the things pertaining to Godliness. Things that we were given by the death and resurrection of Jesus. We already have what we need. Why on earth do we somehow begin to think that we can do life better than the One who created us in the first place?

There is no acceptable answer to that question. I don’t know what my life needs. I don’t know what lies ahead of me in the coming days or years. I don’t even know what might assail me in the next minute.

What we all should be doing is seeking God with all our hearts FIRST and then just as in, Matthew 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.

Matthew was quoting from Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. 12 Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. 13 And ye shall seek me, and find me when ye shall search for me with all your heart. 14 And I will be found of you, saith the Lord: and I will turn away your captivity, KJV

Let your mind dwell on this for a few minutes. What an incredible promise. God is saying to us these truths. If you will come to me and seek me first above whatever it is that you are asking of me, I will hear you. We’ll talk about it together. I’ll share my mind and thoughts on the subject and if you will heed my advice, I’ll be the one to add ALL THINGS unto your life.

Goodness. What a promise. If we are reading this rightly. We don’t have but one thing that WE need to do. We only need to go running into our Heavenly Father’s office crying out, “Abba Father! Daddy? Dad? Are you hear?”

And instantly, like Paul, we’ll hear, “I’M here.”

I know what my biggest fault with all this is and stated it at the beginning of this posting. I don’t want to STOP and put down everything to seek God’s face. That’s the truth. It isn’t that I don’t know through experience that God always answers me in ways I never dreamed. Not one time! Not one time in my whole walk with Him has he ever forsaken me or abandoned me.

So, who is to blame here? Me. Me. Me. Every time it’s me. But thank God there’s hope for me. Not only do I get put in my bayonet timeout room, but I come out, get forgiven and there’s a blessing waiting for me on the other side of the door. A blessing that my Heavenly Father had planned for me all along. I was the one who delayed His giving it to me.

But I’ll close with this. I learn. I really do. I learn something more about the Love of the Father every time I get too busy, too distracted, or just too stubborn to stop and listen.

God loves us.

Why He does is a mystery. Why He went to such lengths to send Jesus to the cross only to have us fight Him about the way in which He wants to bless us, is a sin.

If you find yourself sitting on the ground, knocked off your donkey right now, be encouraged. It’s just God loving you in a way you didn’t expect. He’ll help you back up, wipe your tears after a good cry and hold you close while He explains to you what is going on. And He’ll give you even a sweeter blessing than you were asking for. Because that’s just another part of who He is. Ephesians 3:20 Now unto him that is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us. KJV

Be encouraged, dear reader. God loves you and He always has your best interest at heart, and He knows how to work all things together for your good.

I bless you. Please come again.