The art of being successfully unsuccessful.

Have I confused you already? I hope not. What is success? Most would say that being successful is… That’s where my thoughts stop. I have to admit that I don’t really know what it means to be successful in the eyes of the world. Most of the world, I dare say, doesn’t even know that I’m in it and will most likely never know I tramped my way through this fascinating orb we live on.

There are a few people who became a part of my life and I theirs. My beginning wasn’t very positive and the possibility of my even making an entrance into the world was iffy.

But as you see, I did make it. I made it only because of the grace of God. He evidently wanted me here. My father on the other hand—did not. I did not find out this fact until I had navigated thirty-six years of hating everything about myself. Living with a death wish that I had no idea why or where it came from.

In a few words, upon hearing that my mother was pregnant with their second child, my father offered a solution to the problem, an abortion. Now, mind you, this was 1948. My mother was obviously a young married lady so why would be getting an abortion even be suggested? I’m sure there were many secret abortions conducted back then. There were many things back then in families that were never talked about publicly. Most relational issues were confined within the walls of your own house in the neighborhood. It wasn’t like it is today. It seems the world has turned private things upside down. Now there seem to be no privacy issues.

But, let me continue. Consequently, for the first third of my life, I considered the fact that I got out of bed and lived for twenty-four hours a real success. Every waking hour was spent wondering when the proverbial shoe would fall, and I would no longer be here. Let me tell you, it’s not a good way to live. In short, an attempt was made and I failed. This only heightened my internal conversation about what a terrible mistake God made in believing that I needed to be in His world. After all, my father didn’t think so and when he spoke those fatal words to my dear young mother, they went all the way down into the growing embryo from which God fashioned me. This dark thread got woven into my DNA that day and came to the forefront of my life.

One of the constant struggles was seeing my life as useless. I was a world watcher. Every day I watched other people seemingly being quite successful at this thing called—living. I wondered how they did it. People made plans for their future. They talked about vacations they would take. Purchases they were planning to make. Families they were going to raise. On and on I listened, wondering how do people do this?

As I watched, years rolled by. I began to realize that whether or not I wanted to see another day, I was seeing them. I had successfully lived thirty-six years. In my eyes, I had managed to be successfully unsuccessful.

It wasn’t that I had worked at not being successful. On the contrary, I had worked hard on many things trying to find that for which I was created. Selling various home business potions, soaps, and healthy green drinks. I tried it all. The only thing I was successful in doing was depleting my already much limited financial livelihood on kits that held promise only for the people who sold them to me. It took me slogging through more no-show home parties to realize that I was not cut out for being an entrepreneur.

I finally had to face the fact that the world dangles a very different convincing picture of what success means. If you look a certain way. Dress a certain way. Have multiple followers and likes. And of course, be in demand for whatever it is you do. If none of these tags fit, then you fall outside of the realm of being successful.

I dare say, I think this is the majority of the world. Given that there are approximately 7.9 billion people in the world I’d venture to say that the majority are obscure individuals known only to the small space they hold on this earth. Does that make them unsuccessful? In the eyes of the world, definitely.

But the world stage doesn’t have the final say about a person’s success rate. Honestly, I have been successful at being unsuccessful. My footprint is very small. But I do have one. You have one, howbeit ever so small.

When God entered my life at twenty-one years of age, it took him another fifteen years to show me that He considered me one of His successes.

You see, while my father’s words had wound their way down into my, still, under construction form, God was busy knitting me together. That’s an incredible thing to think about. But we have to approach it scripturally.

Psalm 139:13-16 For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb. 14. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

16 Thine eyes did see my substance yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them. 17 How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!

Think with me for a minute, that while the world was whirling around and people rushing and bustling about, God was involved with knitting you together in your mother’s womb. He had a design that was—you. Every cell, every chromosome, right down to how many inches there would be between your footsteps.

No one tells us about this. No one whispers this in our baby ears—Psalm 139. And very few of us are encouraged throughout our lives about just how marvelous a workmanship we are. Quite the contrary.

I’ve come back to this scripture today. It was the very truth spoken to me that caused the chains to fall away and I was set free of all the years I struggled to live.

When my mother finally shared with me what my father had suggested she do to rid himself of another child, the word I used to describe him was, cruel. How cruel that was of him to ask my mother to have an abortion. So, as I sat on the edge of my bed holding my Bible in my hands crying out to God to show me the truth of what had plagued me all my life, this was the scripture He took me to.

71 In thee, O Lord, do I put my trust: let me never be put to confusion. 2 Deliver me in thy righteousness and cause me to escape: incline thine ear unto me and save me. 3 Be thou my strong habitation, whereunto I may continually resort: thou hast given commandment to save me; for thou art my rock and my fortress. 4 Deliver me, O my God, out of the hand of the wicked, out of the hand of the unrighteous and cruel man. 5 For thou art my hope, O Lord God: thou art my trust from my youth. 6 By thee have I been holden up from the womb: thou art he that took me out of my mother's bowels: my praise shall be continually of thee. 7 I am as a wonder unto many, but thou art my strong refuge.

When someone talks about hearing God’s voice or having an ongoing personal relationship with God through the indwelling Holy Spirit, it can sound unworldly. They would be right.

I was born into this world in a bodily form with my soul being what I used to navigate with. But tucked inside of all of us, laying dormant until sparked to life is our spirit. We are soul and spirit. We start out soulish without the possibility of ever making it out of this world alive. But then when the miraculous New Birth happens, everything changes.

No one can experience this for us. I’ll sum this up in this way. While I was yet seen by any eye in this world, God saw me. He was the first to witness my being. While all the world was busy living life, God was creating my life safely tucked within my mother. The world didn’t know I was coming. My father wasn’t happy about knowing I was coming, and my dear mother was determined to see that I did.

You might not need this posting today. In fact, it might just be another of my successful unsuccessful contributions to the internet. No one but me might read it and that’s okay. Because I have the right and privilege to send this out into the world, whether read or not, to exclaim the fact that God wanted me in His world. I might be very successful in being unsuccessful by the world’s standards, but not by God’s.

I sometimes still struggle with believing that when God looks at me and the Holy Spirit whispers in my adult ear how wonderful and marvelously made, I am, it supersedes all other voices.

In closing, if you are like me and feel that the only thing you have been successful at is being unsuccessful, then take heart dear one. You are God’s success. That’s how He sees you. A completely successful process that He brought to completion the day you were born.

You can claim these scriptures as your own too.

The very first thing you did successfully was to enter this world with God’s stamp of approval on you. You can’t get any more successful than that. No matter what your accomplishments or lack thereof, you are a success.

I bless you, please come back.