As a child, were you taught to believe in yourself and that you could succeed?

 I’ve been quiet here for a while. It’s crossed my mind several times to write a new post. By the Grace of God, when I come and look at the number of views on my blog… I have some! So someone is reading what I write here. I wish I could find the words to truly express what that means to me. Writing has been my main passion since I was a child. Sadly, as a child, I was never taught to believe in myself or set up for success in my life. In fact, the opposite was true. I don’t want to use your time here reading about another victim of their childhood, but I had a father who never once praised his child for anything she did. It was always the opposite. I learned at an early age that nothing I did was ever going to be enough. Yet my young heart, still tender with childlike hope, brought the things I did for him, believing that one day I would hear, “Well done! You did a good job.”

Instead, as the years passed and my hope of ever doing anything right were stripped away I tagged my father with this phrase, Not enough nuts and raisins. It came from cooking desserts for him. They either had too many nuts or raisins or not enough nuts and raisins. We never got it right.

Incredible as it seems, even to me, I have written several books which I sent out into the world each one a precious child, hoping that they would find acceptance, and each one read with the anticipation of more.

But after over twenty years of creating my books from start to finish, regretfully, I’m not a blip on the world’s literary screen. This has sent me in so many directions. From wanting to delete everything I've ever written and walk away, never to write another word, to what I've just done recently.

I’ve pulled all my self-published files up and reedited them for one last time. When you write, you can often miss simple mistakes. A coma here, using there for their or you when you meant you’re. It happens.

But the thing that always brings tears to my eyes is the feeling like I’m reading a book for the first time that someone else wrote. I often have to pause and cry for a minute, asking the Lord why the work of my hands has gone unblessed. These are good stories. Positive stories. Relatable stories. And might I even add—page-turning stories.

So for the past several weeks, once again, I’ve sat in my world with my heart breaking over what my hands have created. As I confess here on this page, what God already knows,  they are not my books. I know this. Sometimes I can’t even remember writing them. It’s always been that way. An idea comes to me from some outside source or life experience, and when I sit down and start writing, as silly as it might sound, the story just seems to write itself. Characters’ experiences, places, love, loss, and even a mystery or two begin to become real.

January Sky was the very first book I wrote. It came to me from a picture of polar bears on the January page of a calendar. A young girl whom I worked with in my office was named January Sky, and I asked if I could use her name for the title of my book. She was thrilled, and I was certain that it was God’s leading to write the book.

Somewhere along the way, my expectations got all mixed up with my Faith. God says that he blesses the work of our hands. But please don’t get me wrong. God has blessed my life in so many ways over these seventy-six years through this scripture. I don’t know what I’d ever have done without Him. It’s just in this one part of my life that all the seeds of my efforts have lain dormant, fruitless.

Deuteronomy 28: 1And it shall come to pass, if thou shalt hearken diligently unto the voice of the Lord thy God, to observe and to do all his commandments which I command thee this day, that the Lord thy God will set thee on high above all nations of the earth: 2 And all these blessings shall come on thee, and overtake thee if thou shalt hearken unto the voice of the Lord thy God. 3 Blessed shalt thou be in the city, and blessed shalt thou be in the field. 4 Blessed shall be the fruit of thy body, and the fruit of thy ground, and the fruit of thy cattle, the increase of thy kine, and the flocks of thy sheep. 5 Blessed shall be thy basket and thy store. 6 Blessed shalt thou be when thou comest in, and blessed shalt thou be when thou goest out. 7 The Lord shall cause thine enemies that rise against thee to be smitten before thy face: they shall come out against thee one way, and flee before thee seven ways. 8 The Lord shall command the blessing upon thee in thy storehouses, and in all that thou settest thine hand unto; and he shall bless thee in the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.

As in each of the lines of this scripture my life has been carried through many flood waters and I found myself still standing. God has provided for me over the years and even now into my “silver haired” years He has never forsaken me. But in this one area of my life—the work of my hands—it still remains unfulfilled.

Yet, I still go to my author page where sales and pages read are posted every month—hoping that the screen will open and there will be sales! Sometimes, if I’m being honest, I ask myself why I do this. Something in me just can’t stop hoping. God restored my hope years ago, and I guess it’s going to take actually seeing success come from all my efforts with my books becoming fruitful to meet this deep need in my heart.

I pray for anyone reading my post today that you know success. Success in whatever you give yourself to in any creative way. I pray that all our lives will one day have—Enough nuts and raisins.

I bless you.

https://susantoddstoryweaver.com/books